by Nicole VanZuidam, MA, LMFT

The silent treatment.  The stereotypical thoughts might have jumped to the forefront of your mind at the mention of that loaded statement.  Some might think themselves not subject to engage in the behavior.  Truth be told, if we examine our patterns of communication, it is something we are all guilty of in our relationships from time to time, it just might look a little differently than what one might expect.  

When interacting with others, it is common for us to adjust how much information and emotion we infiltrate into the conversation or how much we withhold based on our mood, the environment, and level of intimacy or closeness in the relationship.  Experts estimate that the mind thinks between 60,000 to 80,000 thoughts a day. That’s an average of 2500 to 3,300 thoughts per hour or 40-55 thoughts per minute.  It would be impossible to share with someone every thought we have.  Granted, many of our thoughts  are fleeting and hardly conscious, but many still enter into the prefrontal cortex, our most evolved part of the brain where it will become a more conscious, cognitive thought process.  How many of those thoughts are we sharing with someone else and how many do we hold in silence? 

The silent treatment in our relationships might not look like it does in the movies with a dramatic turn of the shoulder, eye rolls, and not throwing even a glance in their direction.  Silent treatment could be withholding our thoughts or feelings about one situation or maybe we shut down in regard to a certain topic.  Maybe it is silence after a long day or difficult event, keeping our thought process completely private. These things can develop into habits or patterns that create wedges in our relationships making way for disconnect or mistrust.  We can ask ourselves what is keeping us from sharing with others whom we trust?  A past hurt? Fear of sounding silly,  weak, or like we are just complaining? We fall prey to fear and all of the potential what ifs, which results in us being alone with our thoughts and how we feel.  In this environment can sprout resentment and likely the untruth that we ourselves or how we feel is unimportant to a friend, family member, or significant other. 

They don’t know what they don’t know, and they won’t know unless you tell them.

Those who know us best can read our telltales and make assumptions about how we are feeling or know how we might typically react to something.  However, when we do not take the opportunity to communicate it to them ourselves, we put them in the position to make assumptions, taking the risk of feeling misunderstood, possibly unseen or unheard, often accompanied by hard feelings, creating dissonance in the relationship. 

We can struggle at times to feel important enough for our thoughts or feelings to matter enough to speak them out loud.  Maybe we exist in a family or community culture where it has been difficult to talk about much outside of the weather and latest basketball game.  Breaking patterns is difficult work, but imagine working in a relationship where you can be the genuine, unfiltered version of yourself, comfortable expressing what you feel, what you think, and still feeling unconditionally loved and accepted as you were created to be.  

At River Counseling we are here to meet you where you are, offering hope.  You may schedule an appointment with the Platte office at 605-337-3444.  You can also meet with one of the therapists from Sioux Falls Psychological services or Stronghold Counseling from your own computer or smartphone.  To schedule an appointment please call 605-334-2696.