by Melanie VanderPol-Bailey, MSW

Winter is over and things are beginning to wake and come to life.  We are blessed with four seasons in South Dakota, although some seasons feel harsher than others. Richard Rohr, in his Daily Meditation, Letting Go Is Liberation writes, “if you do not transform your pain, you will most assuredly transmit it.”   We don’t commonly think of ourselves as “pain transmitters”, but if we don’t pay attention to how we attend to our pain, it can stealthily and slowly have its way with us. 

Each one of us has a different path, with differing experiences and a different narrative of both our joys and our sufferings.  There is no escaping the reality that we all experience both joy and pain.  It’s easy to put our joys in the forefront.   Sharing our highlight reels of special moments and fun memories can be done with a view and just a few clicks for the world to see.  It seems, though, that we have a harder time with pain, sitting with it, allowing ourselves to feel it or even acknowledge it, let alone transform it.  At times we quietly try to tuck it away or stuff it down somewhere deep.  Maybe we tell ourselves to “get over it” and move along. 

I am not talking about the pain of grief and loss of loved ones.  Grief and love cannot be separated and the love for our deceased loved ones requires more of an integration into our life.   Mirabai Starr speaks of her loss of her daughter in a beautiful book titled Caravan of No Despair: A Memoir of Loss and Transformation.  She writes, “There is no map for the landscape of loss, no established itinerary, no cosmic checklist, where each item ticked off gets you closer to success. You cannot succeed in mourning your loved ones. You cannot fail. Nor is grief a malady, like the flu. You will not get over it. You will only come to integrate your loss. . . . The death of a beloved is an amputation. You find a new center of gravity, but the limb does not grow back”.

We experience small hurts that we can move through quite quickly and easily.  The painful stuff feels a bit more cumbersome, and sometimes we need a little help. 

As I excitedly wait for the earth to warm up and a new growing season to begin, I thought about how composting can be an example of transformation.  Composting is the natural process of recycling organic matter (leaves, food scraps, etc.) into a valuable fertilizer that can enrich soil and plants.  Anything that grows decomposes eventually.  Composting simply speeds up the process by providing an ideal environment for bacteria, fungi and other decomposing organisms like worms and bugs to do their work.  The result is compost, fondly referred to as “black gold” as it is rich in nutrients. 

Transformation can occur when we can first allow the pain (matter) to just be.  This requires some bravery to sit with our pain instead of ignoring it.  The sitting could include prayer, meditation or contemplative practice, or working with a therapist.  The curse can become the blessing, where valuable fertilizer can be found if we let the pain (think worms and bugs) do the work.  It is a process that often yields a rich outcome.  

If you would like to learn more about therapy, or feel like you would benefit from someone coming alongside you as you navigate this season of life, please give us a call.  River Counseling Services and Sioux Falls Psychological Services therapists meet you where you are, offering hope. You may schedule an appointment with the Platte office at 605-337-3444, or meet with one of our Sioux Falls Psychological Services therapists from your own computer or smartphone.  To schedule an appointment please call 605-334-2696.