by Kim Belben, MA

It is Mother’s Day, but something is missing for Delaney. She puts on a happy face and greets her husband and daughter. They have made her breakfast and have a homemade card to go with it. Delaney smiles, kisses her husband and snuggles their daughter. Outwardly, this is the Mother’s Day many would imagine however inside, Delaney is in turmoil. She and her husband have been struggling to get pregnant for two years. Mother’s Day does not feel like a day to celebrate. Rather, it is a reminder that her body will not cooperate; sex has become medical and calculated and she is under pressure to achieve pregnancy. Well intended people might remind her she has one child already and has so much to be grateful for. They might suggest she stop trying so hard; pregnancy will happen if she can decrease her stress. After all, she has been pregnant once, there is no reason to worry. It will happen in God's time.

Sounding familiar? Most of us go through life assuming we will be able to have a baby when we are ready and that all will go as expected.  Yet, for many couples the road to having a baby is much more challenging. Mother’s Day is a joyful day of celebrating the women who bring us into the world and who walk alongside us as we journey through life. To all of you I say, Happy Mother’s Day! Thanks for being great and doing your best which is exactly what your child(ren) needs. But for others like Delaney, Mother’s Day is a painful reminder of what she has not been able to do for her family. Women who experience infertility and pregnancy loss approach Mother’s Day with mixed emotions. They might be grateful for their own mom and for their friends and family members who are moms, and yet still feel at a loss. They might be a mom already and yet feel incomplete as they try tirelessly to have another child.

Unable to have the baby you want, you might blame yourself. You may feel confused, feel like you have let your partner or family down, or felt silenced and left to shoulder your pain alone. Mother’s Day may not feel like a joyous day at all as you sit with a deep sense of loss. That is OK. It does not feel OK, but it is OK to feel that way. The authors of “Unsung Lullabies” remind us, “Infertility changes how you envision yourself and your future and can cause feelings of worthlessness and failure, shame and guilt.” It is not as simple as just relaxing or as lucky as getting to “practice” and have more sex. Infertility and pregnancy loss are deeply painful and often experienced as a reflection of one’s place in the world.

With Mother’s Day approaching you may feel mixed emotions. There is no fix to match the despair many feel when going through experiences of infertility, infertility treatments, or pregnancy loss. Take a look at a few ideas on how you might approach Mother’s Day.

·         Grief and gratitude: Sometimes women express grief and gratitude as if they are in conflict. They might ask, “How can I be happy about the child I have but feel so miserable about not being able to get pregnant now?” It is important to remember one does not determine or negate the other. Grieve when you need to and be grateful when you can. In the midst of grief, you may not feel grateful but that does not mean you are ungrateful. The weight of grief is heavy; infertility and pregnancy loss are all-consuming. Remind yourself, the experience of both grief and gratitude are valid responses to your experience. You might consider journaling about both.

·         Feel what you feel: Ambivalence is the experience of mixed or contradictory ideas or feelings and is quite common when going through infertility and pregnancy loss. When Delaney heard a close friend was pregnant she came to therapy confused and hurting. “How can I call myself a friend?” she asked. “At times I feel happy for her [the friend], I do. And yet I also resent her. We were supposed to go through this together!” 

Blocking our feelings hinders the grief process and keeps us stuck. It is important to give yourself permission to feel what you feel. There is no right way to feel. It is reasonable that you might feel sad or mad when you see a Hallmark commercial for Mother’s Day. Giving yourself permission to experience the feelings without judging yourself for having them is critical.

·         To talk or not to talk: It can be helpful to talk through what you are experiencing, especially with your partner who is going through this with you. You might find there are people you do not want to share with though, and that is OK too. Just because people ask if you have tried their recommendation, or ask you what your doctor said at the last appointment does not mean you have to answer. You might decide to respond and find the conversation supportive or helpful, or you might say, “I appreciate you asking but we are not interested in talking about it at this time.” 

If you want or need to talk with someone who can walk with you through this difficult time in your life, consider a therapist at River Counseling Services and Sioux Falls Psychological Services where we meet you where you are, offering hope.  You may schedule an appointment with the Platte office at 605-337-3444, or meet with one of our Sioux Falls Psychological Services therapists from your own computer or smartphone.  To schedule an appointment please call 605-334-2696.