by Bethany DeLange, MS, Marriage and Family Therapy Intern

February is a month that is often dedicated to the topic of love. It can be a fun distraction from gray winter days to read sweet Facebook posts about how couples met, or read stories and articles of people in love. It can also be a time to acknowledge all the love in our lives, not just romantic love.  Friends, children, and even our pets can be a source of gratitude as we think of all the ways they add joy and meaning to our lives. Loving relationships are certainly one of life’s greatest treasures. They can also be one of life’s greatest challenges.

No matter how perfect and effortless a relationship may seem from the outside, we all know that healthy relationships take intentional work. This is true for couples, but it is also true for every relationship we have from friends to coworkers. Over the past year we have watched life change drastically and its impact on our relationships can seem never ending. Division, tension and even the physical distance between us can make the work needed to tend to our relationships difficult at best and downright dysfunctional at worst.

In such challenging times, it is sometimes most helpful to start with the boundaries within our relationships. Boundaries refer to the expectations we have for how we will be treated in a relationship- both the expectations for ourselves and others. As Dr. Henry Cloud puts it “Boundaries are basically about providing structure, and structure is essential to anything that thrives.” Healthy boundaries are critical in any relationship.  Though it’s not what often comes to mind first, one way we can create more health in our relationships is by clearly defining our own boundaries with the ones we love.

Some signs that your boundaries may be weak or need to be addressed:

-          You’re experiencing anxiousness around the people you love

-          You’re uncharacteristically moody

-          You have trouble identifying why but you feel taken advantage of

-          You feel like the way people manage their emotions are your responsibility

-          You need the approval of others – even people who aren’t very close to you

-          You leave no time for self-reflection or rest

This list is not exhaustive, but it can be helpful if you are someone who is unsure if the boundaries within your relationships are working. All of the above can be signs that your “no” is not being respected or even acknowledged within that relationship which can make true intimacy almost an impossibility. These are challenging times, and while the work of boundary setting has always been important, learning about how to create healthy boundaries now can be a game changer in any relationship during trying times.

Creating boundaries takes practice and in some cases a little guidance. River Counseling and Sioux Falls Psychological Services meet you where you are, offering hope. You may schedule an appointment with the Platte office at 605-337-3444, or meet with one of our Sioux Falls Psychological Services therapists from your own computer or smartphone. To schedule an appointment please call 605-334-2696.