I wish that were the end of it – that once aware of our tendencies we could simply stop problematic behavior and change our ways. 

But the point is precisely that even in an aware state, and at a time when we clearly desire to do the good thing, we still tend to lean toward unhealthy behavior and disruptive ways of communicating and interacting with those we love, with those who are important to us.

So what is the answer?  How do we deal with this struggle that is present in all of us?  Let me say first of all that part of life in this world – part of being human – is that you never get to fully escape this struggle.  Carl Rogers, one of the most influential psychologists and theorists, suggested that psychological problems often get generated at the intersection of what we value and what we do.  That is, when what we do runs somehow contrary to what we value, at that point of contrariness psychological problems frequently occur.

That is why we need to invest in increasing our ability to cope effectively with our own brokenness, and our own tendency to act in ways inconsistent with our own values (with what we understand to be good or moral or humane).

But what is it that best motivates us to even do that much?  What gives us the hope that we can be changed?  What instills in us the belief that our marriage can be saved, that our relationships at work can be improved, and that those aspects of our behavior that we don’t like about ourselves can actually be altered?

The answer is as old as life itself.  Human beings respond to the experience of being loved in a no-strings-attached accepting way.  When we experience love and acceptance we tend to respond with love and acceptance of others.  If we don’t or didn’t receive the love and acceptance we needed while growing up, then our ability to engage in effective and healthy coping behaviors can sometimes be compromised.  And that makes making change very difficult.

A professional relationship with a caring therapist can help you work through the challenges of growing up in an unhealthy family or setting where love was not expressed or exhibited often.  You can discover a new level of self-acceptance through therapy, and that will help you cope and make positive and meaningful changes in your life and in your relationships.

We don’t ever get completely free of our brokenness in this world.  There will always be something that we need to change about ourselves, something we could improve in our way of relating to others.  The experience of love and acceptance helps us and motivates us to make the effort to change when change is needed.  And that makes life a lot more meaningful and rich.