by Nicole VanZuidam, MA, LMFT
 

Do you have all of your shopping done? Did you send Christmas cards out? Do you have a trip planned for the winter?  Have you had your tax appointment?  Did you do your pre-pays? Have you preg-checked your cows yet?  There are many year-end tasks that seem to stack on top of each other, whether they pertain to the holidays, your business or farm, not to mention the day-to-day lists we maintain.  

We can easily fall into the trap of measuring ourselves or others by timeliness or completion of these tasks.  When we are asked if we did something and we have not yet checked it off our list or have chosen not to do it at all, we can feel a sense of shame that maybe it is something we should be doing and worrying what others think about our choice.  These are things to be thoughtful of when we are speaking to others, even when making small talk.  Are we creating a “keep up” culture, imposing pressure and shame on others when they do not have something done or have chosen to do things differently?  We try to teach children not to talk down to others for not having name brands or for being different.  If we look at these adult situations through the same lens, we could be guilty of the behavior we are speaking against.

It is important to be mindful of your own motives when talking about accomplishing tasks with others.  Are you looking for affirmation that you did a good job or are ahead by completing them? That's okay!  We all need words of affirmation, but consider who it is important for you to hear it from and be direct by saying, “I am feeling good about being on top of these things.” It is likely a close friend, parent, or spouse that it would be meaningful to hear “That’s great! Nice work.” If our needs are met in our intimate relationships, it is much less likely we would tear others down about not having their tasks completed in an attempt to make ourselves feel better.  

Sometimes we can jump on the bandwagon tearing others down because they seem to have it all together, we might talk about how overboard they are going and how exhausting that must be.  What we might actually need is motivation, encouragement or possibly confirmation that we are not alone in feeling behind or are not doing a lot of extra things right now.  Choose one of your close relationships to express that instead of masking your vulnerability by talking about how ridiculous or over the top someone else is.  

We are all guilty at times of walking around with our measuring sticks but it could be safe to say when we are most tempted to measure someone else up, we are feeling like we are coming up short ourselves.  Consider what is important for you and your family during this time.  There are things we must accomplish.  Make a plan with your support system to prioritize them, be held accountable for them, and celebrate them.  Decide what traditions are important to your family and let the pressure for the rest go.  We can give the same grace to others that we are trying to give ourselves, being not only okay with, but confident in what we have decided to do for ourselves or our families and encouraging one another along the way.  

If you are feeling weighed down by pressure and expectations or having a difficult time navigating how to approach these things in relationship, we at River Counseling are here to meet you where you are, offering hope.  You may schedule an appointment with the Platte office at 605-337-3444.  You can also meet with one of the therapists from Sioux Falls Psychological services or Stronghold Counseling from your own computer or smartphone.  To schedule an appointment please call 605-334-2696.